Behind Closed Doors - Part 3

 It came up in my readings that I’m hiding stuff from myself and others and I was super confused as to what it meant so I queried it further and I got the 10 of wands, burdens and responsibilities that need to be released and shifted around so I can carry them appropriately. I looked at it and realised I needed to go back and forth between doing my Twin Flame stuff over at www.twinsoulunity.com and my comic over at www.paracosmcomics.com, but it wasn’t solely about that and I realised it was about the literal burden of my weight issues.

I say issues because of the impact it has on my health and the reasons I gained weight, and when I look back it has always been due to some patriarchal, male related abuse and trauma.

Me meeting JB in Feb 2025

When I went to see John Barrowman in concert, and saw the photos that were taken I felt awful at how much weight I had put on, especially since I had last seen him years ago. It did however force me to confront my deeper wounds around the why too - starting with childhood SA, and compounded with bullying, abuse, medical issues and lack of help through out my life.

I really wasn’t loving myself, via neglect and self abuse in response to the way I have been treated and dealing with other emotional issues. I am now doing things to help change my relationship with food and habits, as well as moving towards finding a dietry lifestyle (NOT A DIET) that works for me that is nutrition dense, vegan, and enjoyable. I think I maybe circling back to the raw vegan stuff again.

So… why the title when the previous posts were about the abusive relationship I was in? 

I still think, as I said in my other post about my weight that the SA as a child was where it started, and being bullied by people in the street about my weight, and at school certainly didn’t help. I can’t remember if I said about the ex though, and his physical disgust and aversion to obese people, like he made a point of saying how physically ill it made him to see it. Yet both myself and his ex partner were overweight and his ex, was muscular and fit to start but ended up putting on a lot of weight after being with him for a couple of years. 

When I DID lose weight when I was with him, whilst he was in prison, I got down to a size 10/12 - I am not going to lie, I absolutely LOVED being slim. Buying clothes and borrowing them from friends was a whole new experience and easy and I felt a lot better too! But my weight is tied to my emotional and mental health and I have had so much to contend with that food issues, binge eating and lack of exercise from mobility issues, and fears, had me piling on the weight again over the years. I have fluctuated wildly depending on dietary factors, when I was more mobile, and also I lost a lot of weight when I got ill with pneumonia - 3 stone in 2 weeks! That was scary!

There was a time the ex didn’t defend me when someone shouted out about my weight whilst we were out cycling and his response was to just say, well you are overweight. 

I am tired of feeling like my weight defines my worth or lovability - I know logically in my head it doesn’t but the years of self hatred and loathing and feeling unattractive because of my weight has been deeply ingrained into me. 

I am not looking for sympathy, I guess understanding and connection is the only reason I share my deeper feelings and maybe the hope my sharing helps others feel a little less alone also. 

I have been celibate and single for over 15 years, literally dated once in that time, and any interested parties in me over the years, have been completely unsuitable and definitely not requited on my part. 

 I hope when I do eventually find mutual love (for the first time) in a real life physical relationship, I can get past these issues and just learn to love and accept myself as I am, regardless of whether or not I ever manage to lose the excess weight. I wouldn’t have an issue with having a partner who whatever size, its about WHO they are and how they make me feel, not so much what they look like.

I hate to say I’m feeling a little uncomfortable now about being seen intimately because of the low self esteem around my weight, but I’m also sure that with the right person, I would work through that. 

I’m looking forward to finding ways though to live more peacefully and in alignment with what I need, focusing more on following my joy and in that maybe my weight will release as needed.

If you’re struggling with your weight, know you are not alone, and you are loved also. You are not your weight, and who you are as a person is defined by you, not your size. 

Love & Huggs

Bex

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