Eh… I struggled with the title on this one… it was a full moon yesterday and I was keen to see what would manifest as its been a positive ish week things are turning around slowly although still some
challenges to deal with.
I finally won higher rate mobility on PiP (DWP disability benefit) but they kept me on lower rate of care, which I now need to contest. I have been awarded 3 hours per week of care by Social Care but they are having difficulty getting carers so I am seeing if I can switch to direct payments where I choose my own micro provider - and my social care worker is also gonna keep at it until I get all the hours I need (currently aiming for nine hours for washing, dressing, food cooking and prep, going out to appointments and for shopping).
But my main point of this post was actually about perspective shifts when I realised things I was feeling I didn’t know I was feeling because of it being buried under other stuff, like money worries fighting for PIP, the health issues with care support, etc.
I have never really been able to sit and feel what I really feel fully around relationships and the TF stuff. Or I had been avoiding dealing with it.
I realised that I am still trying to MAKE myself be ready for a relationship when in fact that is not how I feel at all.
I KNOW I love my TF (and am VERY attracted to him) and I know that ONE DAY I would love to connect and have a friendship / relationship with him (if it is mutually desired). BUT when I got honest with my self - I know its been 15+ years since I left Chris, I am still healing from that, and I hadn’t fully let go of all the pain around it. Which is WHY nothing has shifted in the TF situation and also because I actually do not want to see, speak to (in person) or have anything to do with my TF (irl) until I feel ready and able to and safe enough emotionally. This isn’t about him at all, purely me and my healing process. I just don’t feel safe because of where I am at atm and that is for me to work on via therapy. ( I am looking at doing the Narc course Caroline Strawson does to help.)
I have plans and I am certainly OPEN to my TF relationship when the universe / my higher self and my wounded self are all in the place to receive one. I can just feel it’s STILL not the right time yet. I can tell you my impatient ego has really got me off the rails though over this situation more than a few times…
I am 100% sure this is why physically in his situation nothing has seemingly changed because emotionally I have been stuck in this way all this time - and it is the Divine Feminine who essentially
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energetically lead in a connection when it comes to the emotional stuff. The Divine Masculine are more the lead in regards to taking actions directly with their Twins when the connection is right (not to say there isn’t interplay between the two as we house both energies and this is NOT physical-gender specific it’s just how the connection works).
I haven’t actually FELT truly single as my emotional state has always been tied to either the trauma and PTSD of the past or the ongoing situation with the TF connection feeling confused and all over the place with it. I finally feel like I have enough clarity to say that I am OK with where I am at now, and its not that I was MEANT to be with the Karmic but it is what happened and I can only live authentically when I actually know my feelings. It’s okay not to know until you know, but it can cause a lot of confusion!
I realise I feel like I have been living my life for others, whether it society, family, men, friends, work etc. Even when trying to do stuff for me I wasn’t really fully doing that, so now, I am re-centering myself to live life more intentionally, and take more inspired action rather then letting unfounded fear dictate things.
“Courage comes in the face of fear, not in the absence of it” - Fear itself is not a bad thing but it is how we deal with it. After all it is there to protect us from harm. But often we let it dictate our actions without stopping to listen to it and really hear the true message, the boundaries we need to set, do we need to run away from danger, fight it or survive through it? Or is it only a perceived threat based on past trauma, that can be alleviated in the face of truth?
I have been trying to control and make things happen in the TF situation based on what I thought I was supposed to be and do instead of getting honest with where I was really at, and taking things he was doing WAAAAAY too personally. Like in the 4 agreements it says to take nothing personally as what others think, feel, say and do are a reflection of them, not you. Thanks to my sister who has the oracle cards which helped me see this yesterday!
I am feeling more at peace now I can be in the moment knowing that Divine Timing also means emotional timing - if I truly am right (and I can safely say even if I was wrong about the WHO my TF is) then I know when I am ready both my TF and I will be emotionally and thus physically and mentally aligned to be together - head, heart and body all in agreement to take inspired action and to allow that love in.
For now it is about enjoying the moment, having fun, letting myself rest, recover and heal where I can.
Doing my comic has helped me process a lot of distorted thinking, and to show me my Shadow side, and share both my light and shadow with others via a safe fantasy setting. It is a combo of truths, fears, wishes, dreams and desires, predictions and potentials, as well as warnings and reflections of my life and experiences.
I think now I am doing my comic and it’s central to my life, I can say I myself can say I am starting to feel more real joy. My inner child is finally healing.
My on going “battle” with my health has become more of an acceptance - not a resignation but a desire to know myself and work WITH my health “issues” rather than resist them (thus making them worse or adding to them). Hitting constant obstacles with health providers has traumatised and exhausted me.
I have faulty genes that cause a lot of my issues to which there is no (known) *cure* and I pray for (ethical vegan friendly !) genetic reprogramming someday that heals DNA. I could also go off on a tangent about epigenetics and how the mind can switch genes on and off, environment impact and if DNA healing is possible through other *woowoo* healing methods but that a whole other post.
Whilst I do the occasional donation based reading if asked, I no longer actively run a readings biz, but instead channel all that stuff into my comic book which now is centred not only on my personal soul journey but the Twin Flame one (as it is part of who and what I am.)
And even if YOU don’t believe in this stuff, its like saying you don’t believe in me being lgbtqia+, or Autistic, or ADHD, it’s what I experience - not just what I believe - it’s my life, and in my very being.
To my Twin Flame, I am sorry for giving you a hard time, both irl and in my head. Yes, fear had a lot to do with it, and trauma etc but regardless of the reasons, for any negative impact I have had on you, I apologise - I would of course do this to your face in due course, if given the chance.
And the one thing I guess I would ask my Twin Flame if I could right now is, what do you need most right now? -Then go do it / ask for it / allow it.
And trust when you are ready I will be too.
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