Ever since I was 11 I have been for the most part overweight - when I hit puberty hormones, trauma and bullying contributed to my increasing weight - I had no idea why I was that way, I walked most days to and from school, but my fitness was terrible and I struggled with physical activities. Now knowing that I have always been trying to live at a level of “healthy and normal” when the whole time I was disabled it ofc makes sense but no one saw that, and I didn’t understand why life was so difficult for me. I have Autism and ADHD, hyper mobility (I think EDS but not yet confirmed due to limited help from NHS and the way too rigid testing) - and I likely have had PTSD from being sexually assaulted / attempted rape at age 8/9 by an older boy, which I think is likely the root issue of a lot of my weight issues that are not influenced by genetic problems. I have been reluctant to share much about my weight journey, but I realise that doing so may possibly help others on their journey, as well as release a burden I carry from not talking about. Stress is a huge factor in weight gain, cortisol literally makes us gain weight and eat more (cortisol cravings) so stress from trauma, bullying, lack of support etc, ofc feed into this vicious cycle I am keen to break.
I am taking a holistic approach after years of on and off binge eating, and trying different eating approaches. I have tried Slimming World which I enjoyed going to groups but not vegan specific, which made it extra work, and they “punished” you if you missed a meeting by still charging you for it - for someone disabled and chronically ill this is an extremely ableist approach as well as financial control trauma trigger which is a huge abuse issue for me. Punishments never work, and it only pushed me to leave the group.
I decided to go to the Doctors in 2024 and ask for a referral to the weight loss clinic in order to get clinical and therapeutic help, and am currently on the waiting list.
Depression and PTSD have been in my life from childhood, and with it disordered eating. I have a tendency to binge eat, but I have discovered that having AuDHD impacts hormonal influences such as appetite regulation. I also have developed a histamine intolerance which is a complex area to navigate and unfortunate atm I am not eating as I need to so this is influencing my health, bad skin, contributing to migraines, feeling unwell etc. Because I am also vegan for ethical reasons and also because I have intolerances, and IBS I am still trying to figure out the best lifestyle changes to follow without contributing to “dieting” and further disorded eating.
I tried the Atkins diet when I was younger and lost 9lbs in a week but I couldn’t sustain eating that level of meat for long term (before I went vegan) and ofc put the weight back on. I tried raw vegan - but not to lose weight, but for other health and ethical reasons, and at the time I couldn’t sustain it due to the costs, but I did ENJOY doing it, creating meals and it regulated my bowels within 3 days as well as improved energy levels I FELT BETTER. However because of the histamine issues now, a lot of the stuff I ate would now likely contribute to allergy responses. It’s a work in progress.
Because of my mobility issues from hyper mobility pain, Functional Neurological Disorder symptoms, dizziness from otosclerosis (hearing loss) and CFS exercising is on an as and when I feel able to basis. Strength and core stability are the focus rather than weight loss as those things are crucial for my day to day functionality.
So for now, I am very slowly and incrementally focusing on the inner wound healing, and emotional recovery to help shift towards better choices in how I eat, and what I eat that supports my wellbeing instead of adding to my problems.
I am working on body neutrality which means to accept my body as is, that it exists as a consequence of choices made, and effects on it rather than the cause of issues so I can treat it better. Dis-association is the main issue as a trauma response, which leads to eating over feelings, in an attempt to feel and be safe from every perceived threats and this is something that needs to be “re-programmed” so I can feel safe in my body and live more in the moment.
So for now, I am off to “do the work” and if you have read this far I thank you for taking the time.
Ciao 4 Now
Bex
